As you know I was given a very tough class in terms of behaviour. They challenged and pushed to the limit and more than once I spent break or lunch in tears in my classroom or the staff room. I was also beginning to suffer panic attacks, which, if you have ever experienced, can be terrifying. One of the affects of a panic attack for me is that my right arm will shake. During one attack my arm was shaking so badly I had to try and hide it behind my back before play. Between play and lunch another teacher was able to cover my class to give me a chance to recover and regain my composure but even after all the other symptoms had ceased my arm continued to shake. In total I have a severe tremor in my arm for over 4 1/2 hours. I was unable to write on the whiteboard or hold a class of water and the children noticed - it was hard not to. The next day I was called into a meeting with the head teacher who told me that, as a supply teacher, I was free to leave at any stage. All I had to do was give her a call if I felt it was getting too much and having an adverse affect on my health. As a stubborn person I assured her that I would be fine and ploughed on with the work. The stress and anxiety continued to build and once again I found myself denying that things were as bad as they were. I eventually gave in and admitted that I was feeling crap and things were beginning to get to me. The following week I went to speak with the deputy head and in the course of conversation we discussed some of the other options that were open to me. We decided that leaving was probably the best option for me at that time and I would be better doing supply work and getting to see different schools and work with different year groups. It was agreed that if I continued the result would be that I would have to take a sick leave due to stress and as a supply teacher I wouldn't get any sick pay.
It wasn't a decision that I had taken lightly and the most difficult part for me was going to be saying goodbye to the children and the affect it might have on them (The TA had left the week before) but one of the assistant headteachers was going to take over the class and spent most of that week teaching them while I was still around to help make the transition as easy as possible.