In England the word 'capability' can strike fear into the most seasoned of teachers because it is some that has to gone your record. Capability is exactly what it sounds like - it is a check to see if you are capable of doing your job. Last November, when it was first mentioned to me I had no idea what would happen next but as the weeks progressed it became very clear to me and to others that I was not capable of being the teacher I needed to be. I decided to would be unfair on a lot of people, and especially my class if I tried to stay on, so with my head teacher's encouragement I resigned with effect from the end of term.
So what is it that caused questions about my ability to teach? Well a number of issues played a role.
1. Physical injury
As you may be aware I had damaged my knee Irish Dancing, tearing the ligaments and tendons. Initially I refused to go to A&E but before I knew it I was in huge pain and really struggling to get through the school day. It was 4 weeks and 2 visits to A&E later before I found myself on crutches and with instructions to rest but there was only a week until half term so I told my Headteacher that I would be fine until then and would rest during the holidays. I was very much mistaken and as a result ended up getting sent home by the Head because I was in so much pain. Back to school after half term and I was no better refusing to rest which leads on nicely to problem number 2. I continued to be in school as often as I could despite the pain and being on very strong painkillers. When they started causing blackouts and dizzy spells I knew I was in trouble. Off the painkillers and back to just over the paracetamol and ibuprofen, it dulled the pain but never for long.
2. Anxiety
As a teenager I suffered badly from anxiety and would have anxiety attacks on a regular basis. After half term last November I started having them in school and was prescribed medication to reduce the physical systems. After having a few I was signed off with stress and by the end of the week I was diagnosed with depression. I started antidepressants and life has been a roller coaster since. It was so frustrating I wanted to do so much but was so afraid of failing that I wouldn't even try. I felt I was under so much pressure to achieve targets, plan outstanding lessons, create amazing resources but the pressure was so great I couldn't even start. My anxiety had always caused problems with my own self confidence and belief that I could achieve what I wanted to but now my mind was only telling me that I would fail. Unfortunately I did not receive the in school support that I needed, requested or was promised and while the Head was amazing and did all she could other members of staff we not so helpful and in some cases deliberately refused to assist me - in short I was being bullied. My depression was telling me that this is what I deserved so I said nothing.
I resigned feeling like a failure and although I knew deep down that it was the best thing, for me and for my class, I felt like the worst teacher in the world.
Back at home I started going to therapy and trying to work out what was going on. I did a small bit of subbing but I found that at the end of the day I was mentally and physically exhausted, being on a crutch was not a help. At Easter I returned to London and was given the all clear to come off the crutch and slowly wean myself off the support bandage and given physio. I remained in London so that I could continue getting the knee sorted and started therapy again. Its amazing how the little thins in life, particularly childhood can have such an impact on our lives without us even realising it and through the therapy I am learning a lot about myself, as well as learning how to cope with a variety of different situations that may arise in future, without adding extra stress to myself.
One of the most important things that I have learned over the past few months is about self care. Taking time everyday, even if I am feeling absolutely rubbish, to do something for me. It can be something as simple as lighting a candle because I like the way it smells, or cooking a dinner I really like (with leftovers for lunch the next day), or having a bar of chocolate (good for endorphins) to going to a manicure or facial - really taking some me time. It is something I will keep doing once I get back to school full time (currently still doing day to day supply). I also try to make sure that I go for a walk every day.
Make sure you take time during the Summer for some self care without thinking about school. See how any of the 50 things you can do. :D xx